COMMITTED: A Memoir of Madness in the Family--A Guest Post by Author PAOLINA MILANA

SHIFTING THE SCRIPT OF INSANITY

By Paolina Milana

My mom and my younger sister were both diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. From the age of about ten, my life and that of my family revolved around mental illness. In my early twenties, when my father died, I took on the role of primary caregiver. I kept secret from the outside world the fact that insanity had taken root in my family tree, and I was tasked with tending its garden. As strong as I was and as much as I appeared a success from the outside looking in, I struggled to stay sane while surrounded with madness.

The story I was living, the beliefs I held, the shame I felt nearly did me in.

I had to shift my script. 

The title of my book COMMITTED reflects the reimagining of my world with words and beliefs that would take on a new perspective and multi-layered meanings. For example, “committed” held varied definitions, all of which held true:

1. Feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated—As in, “She’s committed to her role as a caregiver.”

2. To carry out or perpetrate (a mistake, crime, or immoral act)—As in, “She committed such acts of desperation.”

3. Sending (someone) to be confined in a psychiatric hospital—As in, “She had her mom and sister committed.”

After decades of serving as caregiver to crazy, without question, I had joined the ranks of those whom society would say needed to be committed. The questions of “What was normal?” and “Who really could be called crazy?” were now joined by “How did being committed to a cause or a person or a belief have the potential to lead one to actually getting committed for psychiatric care?”

I didn’t and don’t have all the answers. What I do know, however, is that every one of us is “crazy” or has the potential for becoming so. There will be times when we will align with what might be considered “normal,” and times when we will fall outside of society’s accepted scope. Our passions and commitments may blur boundaries to the point where we may be the ones who need to be committed. And, at times, those who find themselves clinically diagnosed, labeled as insane and actually committed could be the sanest among us.

The definitions we assign, the beliefs and stories we tell ourselves, the insistence of what should be and that it can only be black or white: That is the insanity and what causes us to suffer.

Shifting the script is when we can see and accept all sides as part of the whole and are at peace with both the light and the dark. The reality is that we ebb and flow along the spectrum of everything that makes us human. Our power isn’t in being perfect but in exposing our flaws, ending the stigma that comes with them, and no longer fearing the darkness but embracing it.

 
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